Berhenti Berharap

Aku tak percaya lagi
Dengan apa yang kau beri
Aku terdampar disini
Tersudut menunggu mati

Aku tak percaya lagi
Akan guna matahari
Yang dulu mampu terangi
Sudut gelap hati ini

Aku berhenti berharap
Dan menunggu datang gelap
Sampai nanti suatu saat
Tak ada cinta kudapat

Kenapa ada derita
Bila bahagia tercipta
Kenapa ada sang hitam
Bila putih menyenangkan

Aku pulang....
Tanpa dendam....
Ku terima... kekalahanku...

Aku pulang...
Tanpa dendam...
Kusalut kan .. kemenanganmu...

Kau ajarkan aku bahagia
Kau ajarkan aku derita
Kau tunjukkan aku bahagia
Kau tunjukkan aku derita
Kau berikan aku bahagia
Kau berikan aku derita..

Aku pulang....
Tanpa dendam....
Ku terima... kekalahanku...

Rebahkan kalbumu
Lepaskan perlahan
Kau akan mengerti
Semua..

Aku berhenti berharap
Dan menunggu datang gelap
Sampai nanti suatu saat
Tak ada cinta kudapat..

The Love of my life- #2. Adreen Azzahra

Born on 19th Jan 2011, 8:45am, 3 weeks earlier than EDD due to some complication (more story in part 2 on this entry..haha)...
She is so manja n now at 3 weeks she can actually tell which one is mom's teat n which one is Avent's...it contributed to mom's huru hara masa confinement... dgn mana nk bfeeding adik, nk bertungku, nk deal dgn drama yg kakak humairah buat....yesss...its not easy to handle a newborn with a 19mth around...so sila plan kelahiran anak2 anda ok. hehehe...
for now yg sempat ialah meng upload gambar Zahra...tanda cinta ibu yg no 2. i hv more reasons to live now. siapalah saya, hidup saya, nyawa saya, jika tanpa kehadiran zuriat saya, anak2 saya, humairah dan zahra sy yg Allah pinjamkan... terima kasih ya Allah, kuasa yg paling agung!

Busy ke buat2 busy?

Busy sebenarnya.
I was selected to join a 35 weeks project.
Ada interview bagai...altough I am not sure whether in this condition (dimana tgh sarat mengandung dan dlm kesibukan nak pindah rumah juga dgn ketiadaan maid)I really wanna join this project...tp when I believe the project will make me a better person (in term of career and self development), I decided to just go and perform during the interview...dan berdoa jika ini adalah yg terbaik utk myself, my husband, my children and my whole fmly and our life, Allah permudahkan lah segala2nya.
So, here I am stucked in this meeting room which we use as our project operation room.
At a time I was giving up, nak withdraw fr the project sbb backpain and demam...and my lil girl pun demam...doc advised me to bedrest for 3 days and stay away fr stress...tp when I came back to this room, the team was actually trying to accomodate my condition, giving me some allowance to limit my stress level..hehehe...and I am actually tersepit coz do not want my condition slowing down the movement of project. Tp dah diorg ok, and I am actually love what am I doing now, I believe this is an opportunity for me to learn so many things, I will forget about withdrawing fr this project.
Mlm tadi hidung bleeding pulak. It happened when I was pregnant with Humairah. Adoiiii. Maybe penat. This Christmas kitorg nak pindah to Cheras officially. Sedih.
Rumah KJ terlalu byk kenangan. tak sanggup nak tulis skrg. nanti nangis.
Lately hati jadi lain.
Tak sangka ujian Allah datang dlm pelbagai form.
Dlm keadaan yg tak pernah difikirkan.
But life goes on.
Semoga Allah permudahkan segala2nya.
Semoga Allah tetapkan hati ini supaya sentiasa akan balik pd Dia, walau apa jua keadaan dan ujian.
Semoga Allah beri kekuatan dan tetapkan iman.
Amin.

Preparing for a new baby, new house and most prob NEW MAID!!!

Before I blab and blab and non stop blabbing on the topic …Selamat Hari Raya Korban! It was a simple but meaningful celebration this year ;)

Preparation for a New Baby.
I am 7mth preggy now. And I should start shopping for what necessaries now. My mom said, “dah 7 bulan baru beli barang2 baby” so as an obedient (and cute) daughter (hehehe), here I am, ready to go shopping…hahahaha! I guess, preparing for 2nd baby is way much easy compared to the 1st. Yelah, experience dah ada, checklist dah ada, and most of stuffs fr the checklist smua can be recycled. Below I copy paste my original checklist masa Humairah, which my BFF mommy Yati yg preparekan….

Must have
1 Newborn Diapers-Mommy poko
2 Baju tido pnjg ( romper)-5
3 Baju siang-5
4 mitten n booties-5
5 baby cap-1
6 kain bedung-3
7 barut 5
8 minyak baby
9 baby lotion ( jgn guna baby powder… coz baby lotion is better for baby skin)
10 nail clipper
11 bedak, shower gel, shampoo travel pack, sikat
12 towel
13 blanket Bumble Bee: Thermal Blanket
14 tilam,pillow n bolster set -Aussino Single fitted comforter set + baby cot cover x2
15 baby bath tub
16 cotton bud
17 wet tissue
18 sabun basuh baju baby - mommy guna cosway… Pureen pun ader
19 surah yassin.. ( bring wherever we go with princess) n letak kat kepala dia time tido
20 bottle n teat brush

For exclusive breastfeeding
1 Breast pump set -Philips Avent: ISIS Out & About Breast Pump Set
2 Breast milk storage
Philips Avent: 4 Breast Milk/Baby Food containers 125ml
Philips Avent: VIA Breast Milk Containers 10 x 180ml
3 Nursing pillow
4 Nursing bra

Optional
1 Thermos
2 Thermal bag for travelling Mothercare
3 baby carrier instead of car seat if nak guna from baby laa…
4 Baby Cot

Not immediate
1 bottle steriliser ( ibu x yah beli… mommy dah ader…Cuma beli pil )
Anakku Microwave sterilizer- Jusco
2 Stroller
Graco: Mosaic Completo Travel System - Gasha Red with Base
Graco: Stylus Travel System - Morocco Design
Graco: Ultima Plus Travel System Gasha
3 warmer -Tommee Tippee: Closer to Nature Baby Food & Bottle Warmer
4 bottle drying rack
5 socks n shoe
6 teether
7 baby rattle
8 baby play gym

Additional Notes Fr Ibu
1Wardrobe/ drawer for princess
2Nipple cream for mommy and ibu
3 Set jamu and bengkung Amway for mommy and ibu
--------------------------------
So for 2nd baby, I guess I just need to buy the following which are highlighted in blue:
Coming Princess #2 Checklist

Must have
1 Newborn Diapers Mommy poko
2 Baju tido pnjg ( White romper) 3
3 Baju siang (white) 3
4 mitten n booties (white) 3
5 baby cap 1
6 kain bedung 7 barut
8 minyak baby 2 AMWAY
9 baby lotion/powder/ toiletries (medium set) Anakku
10 nail clipper 1
11 bedak, shower gel, shampoo travel pack, sikat Anakku
12 towel
13 blanket
14 tilam,pillow n bolster set
15 Pillow & mattress cover 2 mybabystore.com
15 baby bath tub -Amik fr Nono
16 cotton bud
17 wet tissue
18 sabun basuh baju baby Cosway 4
19 surah yassin.. ( bring wherever we go with princess) n letak kat kepala dia time tido
20 bottle n teat brush 1

For exclusive breastfeeding
1 Breast pump set -hantar repair AMEDA!
2 Breast milk storage 10 add to the existing
3 Feeding bottle & teats 3
4 Nursing pillow -amik fr Nono
5 Nursing bra

baby carrier instead of car seat if nak guna from baby laa… -Amik fr Nono
--------------------------------------------
Means I only have to prepare one third of total number of stuffs fr the 1st baby’s checklist. That reflects the budget to spend as well. I hv decided to try out Anakku range of toiletries plus powder and lotion. I found them smells better than Pureen. And this time I’ll buy the basics in medium size. Masa Humairah I tend to keep stocks and they gone wasted when Humairah was allergy to Pureen or what ever baby’s product on the rack. Sekarang pakai Cetaphil. So kami lah yg menghabiskan all the Pureen stocks. And dua org org tua ni pun berbau seperti baby bila lepas mandi…hehehe. Will start ordering stuffs online and will spend next weekend to buy others that can’t be bought online. For clothings, I’ll buy all new with white sbb Humairah’s new born clothes semua pink hehehe. So pink dah tak yah beli. Owhhh by the way, this one I’m carrying is a girl too!!! So nanti kitorg boleh buat band nama “ Azman & The Girls” mcm “Ella & The Boys”

Preparation for New House.

Our new home is ready. I am sooo excited! Its like when you know tat you are pregnant…(apa ni???) ye lah, bila kita tahu kita nak dpt anak; kita tahu takdir kita berjumpa, jatuh cinta, bercinta, dan berkahwin ada objektifnya. Mestilah teruja kan? Then we start to put effort to build a happy family. Bila pregnant kan kita slalu so happy sbb kita tahu journey to build a family dah start. So kita akan work hard (physically and spiritually) utk capai target kita tu. Di antara perkara yg kita usahakan selain dari lengkapkan diri kita (spiritually) kita akan start usaha supaya dari segi materialpun kita lengkap…untuk pastikan anak2 or the whole family kita hidup selesa. Like us, we both have our own property masa sebelum ditakdirkan bercinta. It’s an advantage, tp having a property, that we put effort to purchase it together, plan everything together adalah sangat different. Ia sgt meaningful to both of us bila rumah ni ready.
Although we actually dah sgt fall in love with Kelana Jaya neighborhood, tp for a bigger space for our kids to grow up, we decided to move to BMC. Nak beli a landed prop kat area KJ mmg kami tak mampu. Takpelah, I believe, we’ll love BMC as much as KJ soon or later.
Getting involve directly in this new house preparation is a whole new experience for me. Masa beli KJ condo dulu semua dah ready. I bought it ready made hehehe. The reno was nicely done by the old owner. Now, with this new house, semua yg tak tahu dah jadi tahu. Fr plaster ceiling to down light to cornice… the grill, the built in wardrobe, the alarm system, lagi apa lagi? hmmm…gutter, polycarbon owning lah. Then the wiring for lightings, the fan, the aircond points…spotlights, CCTV, autogate. For a small single-storey bungalow (3 rooms only), semua yg disebutkan tadi budgetnya melebihi RM30k. Yg tu tak termasuk main electrical appliances (kipas, aircond, tv, fridge, washing machine, etc) as well as perabot2 yg lain. Baru lah sedar yg standard kos sara hidup skrg sgt tinggi. Owh mannnnn… mahalnya nak lengkapkan sebuah rumah!!! Saya tak pernah tahu! So, kami yg sgt2 broke sbb kena bayar down payment rumah tu 20% instead of 10%... terpaksa memilih utk prioritize keperluan kami utk menyediakan rumah tu. Ada byk yg kami terpaksa KIV kan e.g gutter, owning, autogate dan CCTV. Buat yg penting2 dulu.
Having to prepare for all these when I am 7mth pregnant is very challenging. Memanglah all the job being outsourced to contractors, tp the effort to meet up few contractors, to nego, to go up n down to the new house is tiring. Then we have to survey for furniture and electrical goods... dgn membawa si kecik tu ke hulu kehilir (sbb bibik cuti) sampai bengkak2 kaki. But Alhamdulillah, we have our contactor brother to guide us. So we don’t have to be worried of being conned by Ah Heng or Ah Hong. Our target to move in by mid of December or paling busuk pun end of Dec. And we need to by Jan rent out the KJ condo, kalau tak masak kena bayar dua2 rumah… means I shoud be advertising the KJ Condo by now. Alamak!!! Oklah, new checklist…kena amik gambar KJ condo byk2 and advertise kt Mudah. Will rent it out fully furnished. RM1500 (nego) inclusive of monthly maintenance (which am paying RM252 monthly). So if you know ppl who is interested, pls let me know. Chehhh mcm ramai je org baca blog ni…kahkahkah. Willl post advertisement in my FB as well. It’s a 1300sqf condo with 3 rooms and 2 bath. Very spacious. Fully furnish means:
a. 30’ TV and its tv rack
b. 3+2 seaters sofa
c. A coffee table
d. Dining table with 6 chairs.
e. Curtains for sliding door and all rooms.
f. 1 unit of 2hp air cond for living room.
g. Two-doors fridge
h. Built-in kitchen cabinet
i. 2nd bedroom- a single bed with mattress, side table and a 3-doors wardrobe.
j. 3rd bedroom- a single bed with mattress.
k. Master bedroom- 1 unit of 1.5hp air cond. Attached bathroom is nicely renovated with big mirror, built-in cabinet, water heater system and bath tub.
l. Decorative wall mirror and bench at dining and living room.

The condo area is very peaceful as it is low density- only 4 blocks of 12storeys. Each level has only 8 units. Two lifts serve every block. One dedicated covered parking lot for each unit. An extra parking can be obtain fr the Management Ofc for as low as rm50 monthly. Very tight security. Facilities: 1 Gym, 2 squash courts, swimming pool, sauna, playground, intercom system for each unit to guardhouse, multipurpose hall, taska, surau, barbeque pits, badminton/basketball court, laundry, mini market and a café. Very near to KJ LRT station where u can wait for the feeder buses just in front of the guard house. If you are driving your own car to move around, don’t worry of traffic jam coz fr here you have many access road. LDP, NKVE, Jln Airport Subang lama, Federal Hway and NPE. It is near to Giant KJ. And soon the new shopping mall- The PARADIGM will be just in front of this condo area. 10mins drive to IKEA, d Curve…as well as Sunway Pyramid and Subang Parade/ the Empire. That is why I love staying KJ so much! Interested already? Hehehe…

Preparation for New Bibik???

Dia balik COTI and since then tak pernah SMS. Saturday is her flight back to KL. Esok I’ll call her. If she doesn’t return, we HAVE TO start searching for a new bibik. And the cycle starts again….arggghhhhhhh!!!!

rasa rindu yg sgt rindu.

pernah rindu, rindu sgt sampai nangis?
aku baru je.
everytime teringatkan arwah atuk, rindu, sampai nangis.
satu je aku doa pd Allah... I want to see him in my dream.

I want to talk to him. mengadu and share ttg setiap yg tak sempat aku share.
I want to see his face.
I want to hear his voice...kata2 nasihat dia, lenggok bahasanya yg lembut tp tegas.

rindu semua tu.
Tp doa tu tak pernah makbul since aku start doa in 1997.
kenapa ek?

mcm mana nak let go feelings ni.
redha...mmg dah lama redha yg dia dah takde.
tp rindu sgt.
bila rindu tu dtg, rasa susah nak handle...kt mana2 pun bole nangis.

Maybe sbb I wasn't ready masa dia pergi.
Tak sangka langsung dia akan pergi secepat tu.
I wasnt been informed pun masa dia sakit kat hospital.
Tiba2, masa dlm class statistic, org dtg bgtau ada phone call kat admin ofc.
And tat was it. I heard dad was crying telling me atuk was no longer with us.
Dunia gelap tiba2.
aku hope sgt semua tu mimpi or it was a joke.
but it wasn't.

Skali lagi aku berdoa smoga atuk dtg dlm mimpi.
Ya Allah perkenankan lah doa hari Jumaat ni.
Amin.

Quick Updates!

Been very busy... here are highlights of the past and current ..(hahaha mcm bagus je...):-


1- Eidul fitri celebration was awesome. A week break fr work gave me the opportunity to be busy with family affairs. I got to visit uncles and aunties with the whole family, which I didn't get the chance to do it during last eid. I can say it was the best Eid ever...:D


2-My maid got her off days as well. It was a mistake I guess, giving her long break has turned her to a less efficient maid- started to give so much excuses for things she didnt execute, dah pandai menjawab, talked over the phone in the kitchen when I asked her to heat all the lauks...so in return, she got it fr me. Everytime buat salah, kena sound. Dapat cash je. So she got fed up coz she thinks apa dia buat semua salah... and till one day we received an SMS fr her husband requested for 2 weeks leave for her wife sbb anak nak kawen. Bermula lah mcm2 drama... and kesimpulan nya, I had enough with maids dr seberang ni. And if I were to keep her, and terus bersabar dgn perangai dia, semata2 sbb memikirkan anak2 je. Ya Allah, hanya Engkau yg mampu memberi segala kesabaran yg aku perlukan...


3- If she doesn't return to me, I decided to send Humairah n her adik (soon) to Raniya, have already got them in the waiting list...paling cpt Jan 2011 for Humairah. Tp my darling hubby tak agree coz he doesnt think I can manage to handle two of them when at home. Humairah belum 2 tahun when she gets her adik nanti. Mana dgn nak handle baby lagi, and dia tgh lasak...and definitely next year will be a busy year for DH. He'll be spending most of time kat luar rumah lepas ofc hour, that means I have to be alone handling dua beradik tu. Satu, larat ke? Dua, leaving only 3 of us at night, kat rumah baru yg sgt sunyi sekeliling nya adalah tidak masuk akal bg DH. So he still wants us to have a maid, tp I had enough with Ind*ns already. So, alternatively, if she doesn’t show up after her long break, we’ll opt for Philipino. Mmg la salary diorg expensive, tp bila kira balik hantar 2 kids to Raniya, it costs us about RM1k. Byr Philipino lebih sikit, rumah dan pakaian semua terjaga, and anak2 ku akan ckp omputih lah hahahaha. Cuma satu ni je, nak dpt yg muslim mmg susah… tp kalau niat kita baik, Allah mesti bantu kita. Bila lah nak realize plan Felda nak train and supply local maids. Bayar lebih pun aku sanggup. And ultimate target…When lah I can resign fr corp world ni? Jadi housewife, jaga and besarkan anak2 dgn tangan sendiri?

4- Politikus di ofc. This was uninvited. And worse, it affects me directly when I am not aware of it. Remember the new boss? Itulah, jgn cpt percaya dgn 1st impression.I’ve learnt my lesson. A new girl fr his ex-company was introduced to me on one fine Friday. She’ll be joining our team. Monday I was on MC, and my staff text me, informing me all of us (me and my staffs) will be reporting to the new girl. And when I returned to work, he informed me that there are changes in Org Chart. Yes, all of us will report to the new SM. Worst, he pull me out fr my box and put me to a new one, doing a new portfolio…ALONE, no staff. According to him, he has started interviewing new faces to replace me. WHAT???? I was mad. Maybe he didn’t expect such respond fr me. I told him my disappointments straight away. Many of them. I asked him why he did that? Dia ada prob ke dgn aku? Am I not capable at his view? He said NO. He knows I AM GOOD, so he wants me to move to another area that is more challenging. He did that for my career benefits, yea right! Don’t you have brain to at least ask my opinion and get my consent in prior? I was really upset. Why don’t you just tell me that you need good justifications to bring your good friend in, with higher post, big money…so you have no other way but to get all of us to report to her. Kan senang…tak payah nak corner banyak2.
At this point, I just don’t care about it…penat dah fikir… all this while I’ve been working so hard and sincere- yes I do, if not takkan lah aku promoted kan?, tp aku jugak yg jadi mangsa. Betul2 mcm Belanda mendapat tanah. I guess, this is not a place for me anymore. Looking forward for a change. I don’t want to waste my time working with people who just wanna use my advantage for their benefits. I’ve learnt so much fr this incident. Thank you Allah. Just one thing, I really hope before I go, I can realize my plan for my staffs…wooppsss Ex Staffs…semoga diorg akan dpt apa yg hak pd diorg. Tataulah, dgn boss baru, belum tentu staff career advancement menjadi sesuatu yg penting pd dia. Help me God.

5- Humairah hospitalized due to High Fever. Owhhhh … was spending 4 nights and 4 days at Tawakal. Kesian Humairah… but Alhamdulillah, she’s recovering fast. Biasalah, anak ibu kuat semangat…sakit mcm mana pun active nye masih sama. Dgn dada yg wheezing, masih lagi nak berjalan satu hospital…”Nat Tuar…Nat Tuar…” (nak keluar)…pegi visit Arissa, kembar tak seiras dia tu yg juga admitted…

6- Had a very bad constipation while I was taking care of Humairah in hospital. Siksa sgt bila sembelit masa pregnant ok. I made a conclusion- It was all “stress” or “pressure” or whatever u call it. Yelah, dah lah maid buat hal…kat ofc satu hal…Humairah plak tak sihat….mmg complete set. Seriously, I managed to solve the constipation prob, yea, eat lots of papaya and drink lots of plain water. Cuma the stress last for 2 weeks… betul2 stress. Kesian baby in my belly… semasa mengandungkan dia, mcm2 perkara yg berlaku and I have lost focus on him/her. Bila sedar hakikat ini lah I suddenly decided to be positive again. Bukan senang… tp bila kita buat kerana niat yg baik, Alhamdulillah Allah permudahkan. Now I hv clear my mind fr all the negative tots and avoid those ppl yg boleh mendatangkan marah. I still cant avoid some faces, so what I did, everytime pegi keje, aku niat yg aku pegi ofc utk siapkan segala keje yg Allah pertanggung jwb pd aku. And at the same time I put effort to speed up my transfer process. Semoga Allah permudahkan. Supaya ibu ada byk masa utk baby dlm perut ni ok.

7- Talking about the peanut#2, last check up doc actually scan to confirm the gender. Tapi sikecik ni terkepit2 malu plak…so tak Nampak but doc kata nampak mcm girl. Ibu tak kisah boy or girl…janji sihat and sempurna….:) cant wait for next check up…harap2 bole confirm…now dah 6 mths...adehhh bertambah mengah bila berjalan.

8- Despite semua ujian yg Allah turun kan tu, I can be happy with one thing. Our new home dah siap. YEAY!!! At least I can go shopping for this new house…what a therapy…Thank you Allah.

Happy Birthday!

Today is my Man's Bday. He's 46 today. Masih hensem dan gagah org nye hahahaha!
Happy Bday Sayang.
Semoga Allah beri kesihatan yg baik, so that u boleh terus beramal kepada Nya dan bermuamalat dgn sebaik2 nya sesama makhluk.
Semoga Allah panjang kan umur u (dan me) semoga lebih byk pahala dan kebaikan yg boleh u buat. Serta lebih byk masa kita boleh berkasih sayang...menjaga dan memberi kasih sayang pada anak2 dan keluarga unconditionally. Amin.

30th Aug was my bday. 33rd.
Most women don't share their age with others but not me.
Am proud to be 33. Sebenarnye ingatkan tahun ni dah 34, tersilap kira...hehehe.
I love being in 30s sbb I feel better. Better than when I was in 20s. in my 20s I had a messy life. I didn't have my own stand, no objective in doing anything... I simply pleased people around me.
When I reached 30, things started to change. I have set my career journey according to what I want in future. I stop changing jobs just because I had enough with the existing job or I want a higher pay. I started to focus. And give myself the room to experience the good and the bad things fr one company, give myself the opportunity to learn and to do mistakes. So that I understand and improve myself on how to tackle things differently.
When I reached 30, I learnt one thing that is very important. Saying NO and YES to the right things; based on what I need and what people need. I slowly stopped to pleased people blindly. I have also managed to draw lines when trusting and loving anyone.
I know what I want for me. That was an achievement! :D. That is why i love being 33. Not sure what will I feel when I reach 40..??? Maybe tak sama kot...
But anyway, I guess to feel good about ourselves is easy. Do the right things... and do things right. Selagi ada kudrat Allah pinjam kan, kita usaha supaya kita boleh achieve perkara2 baik yg kita dah set and target. Bila kita berjaya achieve segala2nya, tak kisah umur kita brape, mesti kita bangga dgn diri kita...kan?